At Home

For the last few mornings, I've rolled to my coffee pot (on my knee scooter), poured a fresh cup, and then curled up in a comfy place to think, feel, and ruminate. A different kind of emotion churned and it took time for me to figure it out.

While more creative verbiage could be used, two words emanated most: at home.

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines at home as:
  1. 1 :  relaxed and comfortable :  at ease <felt completely at home on the stage>
  2. 2 :  in harmony with the surroundings
  3. 3 :  on familiar ground :  knowledgeable <teachers at home in their subject fields>

My favorite of the three? "In harmony with the surroundings."

If you've started my book, The Great Undoing and My Journey Home, you know I felt out of my skin about five years ago. Like majorly out of my skin.

Every normal I once knew had been turned upside down. And I mean all of them. My church, friends, community. My place of residence. My health. My ability to walk.

Every aspect of my life had an oddity that left me feeling lost.

But God didn't leave me in that no man's land. And over time, the feeling changed.

But after time and introspection, I realized that last Friday night, surrounded by family and friends from all parts of my life, I really felt at home... "in harmony with my surroundings."

Tucked away in The Daily Grind, my first book signing got underway. Courtney sold books while Nathan, Drew, and a few others kept her company.



Calli, a choir student from years ago, even stopped by!



My nephew, Josh, played the keyboard while I signed books. 





My Bible study girls gathered for a photo op. You'll learn more about them in chapter 25.







Mom hung out for a while when the pen slowed.



Friends hung out while I thanked many and sang a little.



I got to introduce David Leonard, my music producer, from Reveal Audio Studios. While a neighbor, Jeanne, hung out and sipped coffee.



Dear friends, Bill and Rosemary, also stopped by and she's mentioned in chapter 37.



My sister, Laura. My son, Nathan. And a friend, Matt stayed the course.



A few important people lingered in the back: My pastor, Craig, who wrote the forward; His daughter, Audrey Grace, who created artwork for the cover and internal glyphs; And my dear spouse, Don.



As well as many others...



My sweet granddaughters stopped for a photo.



Followed by bright eyed piano students and their mom.



More dear friends from chapter 11 made the night special: Grace, Ann, and Jon Nelson.



And in the end, I'm most grateful for Audrey Grace, who helped create such a beautiful cover.



Part way through the evening, my nephew, Drew, stopped by the book signing table and said, "It looks like you belong up here, Aunt Susan. It's just you."

While signing my own book was certainly a dream come true, sharing the moment with so many who helped me find myself again stirred a sense of belonging I've missed.

But since life doesn't sit still, the peace I feel and the sense of harmony I now enjoy may only last for a short while. But that's okay. Because every time I learn to balance again, I grow stronger and less affected by the negative voices that long to throw me off kilter.

And for now, I can scroll through the photos, remember a very special night, and step forward toward a new day.

For all of you who came, I can't thank you enough.




4

Friday Night at the Daily Grind

In just a few days, on April 22nd, I'll be sipping decaf-coffee and signing books at:


Marietta, Ga 30064

(directions are linked above)


A group of family and friends will join me from 7 - 9:30 pm to celebrate the milestone since I've been talking about writing a book for over ten years.

Ideas and stories churned until my husband encouraged me to self-publish. When the publishing package I wanted went on a half-price sale months later, in June of 2014, we bought it, which meant I had to write the book. Ironically, having the book paid for kept me writing when the months turned into a more than a year and I struggled to stay disciplined.

But I never gave up. And that effort will pay off Friday night!!

I explained why I wrote the book in last week's blog, The Great Undoing and My Journey Home. So this week I'll dedicate my thoughts to the top four reasons you should come to the signing, or buy the book on amazon.

With well over 16,000 memoirs to choose from, the question remains: Why should you purchase mine?

1) Because of the QR Codes!

Each chapter begins with lyrics from songs I wrote. When my worship pastor learned this, he suggested I use QR Codes to link readers to where my music is available on the web - like a two for one deal. When you purchase a book, you gain insight and access to my music as well. For those who already have a QR Code reader app on your phone, check this out:


2) Because I wrote a lot about Nathan, Sam, and Courtney!

While they claim I tend to overshare, both of my sons approved the stories I included in the book. However, they still did a search to see whose name was used most, and Sam had dib's due to his mitochondrial disease diagnosis. Regardless, if you enjoy behind-the-scenes family drama, I think you'll finish satisfied.





3) Because if you attend Sanctuary Church like me, you may enjoy reading how God used His people to heal my heart again. 

We started attending at my lowest point. It took time, but little by little, friendship by friendship, that Body of Christ helped resurrect my fledgling soul. Plus, AGB Bowler (our pastor's daughter) created the glyphs that are used at the beginning of each chapter and in the cover design! And I love having her imprint throughout the story.

4) Because my dad likes it!!

My family gathered to celebrate my mom's birthday last Sunday. Even though both of my parents will be at The Book Release Party this Friday, April 22nd @ The Daily Grind from 7 - 9:30, I gave mom a copy as a gift. Dad just called to tell me that he's really enjoying the read, and thus made my night a special one.

And speaking of mom's party, I'll close by sharing a fairly poor quality video of my family singing at a Red Lobster yesterday. Due to my dad's love of barbershop, we've sung on command in many places. But this was the first time we belted a tune in the confines of a Red Lobster.

My sister and I cringed as the waitresses clapped along to the beat, but ended up singing a little louder when a family danced their way into our back room. Decked out for Sunday church, they enjoyed the song so much, they insisted on another... and took their own videos!

The music tied our souls together in way words would have failed. So watch to the end. Wait for the dancing. And then come celebrate with me Friday night!

5

The Great Undoing and My Journey Home

I sipped a second cup of coffee while visiting with a former voice student yesterday. I hadn't seen in almost ten years. Though one-legged living has worn me down, I met her half way (thanks to hand controls) to hear her story.

She definitely has one.

Shortly before Jill stopped taking lessons, she had a seizure while out of the country on a missions trip - in front of whole host of students. It wasn't her first, but confirmed the epilepsy diagnosis. Learning to live with the unknown wore her down. However, even after a doctor warned she might not be able to finish college, she's now pursuing a master's degree in social work.

She took this semester off to undergo extensive testing. As a result, a second brain surgery is scheduled in a few weeks.

I don't like my slow pace. But honestly, I can't imagine what Jill goes through, never knowing when - or if - a seizure will interrupt her day.




As we caught up and shared real life difficulties, she asked a poignant question, "Have you ever had therapy? Like, sit down, one-on-one, with a person therapy?" 

As I struggled for words, I found myself saying, "It will make more sense when you read my book."



While there have been a few times I've sat down one-on-one with a therapist, a host of friends and the constant guidance of the Holy Spirit brought me out of the dark place.

I was never quite as depressed as some, but I lost myself for a time about five years ago. Wrapped in rejection, sickness, fatigue, and perhaps just middle-age blues, I succumbed to too many crime TV reruns.

A long summer of disappointment and pain ensued before the events occurred that open my story:

                "My youngest son, Sam, hands me a DVD converted from a video recording taken years ago. Apprehensive, I slide it into a laptop and watch the scene from my past come to life. After viewing only part of it, he exits to do homework, pauses, and quips, “What happened to you, Mom?”
             Time suspends as I search for a reply.
            “Life … life happened, Sam—a lot of life. Like your dad dying and you and I ending up with a genetic disorder. Muscle biopsies, spinal taps, surgeries, you know. Crazy stuff happened.”
            He looks my way only somewhat understanding. His seventeen-year-old, senior-in-high-school self tries on my explanation, but it doesn’t quite fit. He can’t give in so why should I? He continues up the stairs and I stand alone. Alone with the reality that the hard stuff is winning. That I caved under the pressure. That my tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed son knows who I was, compared to who I am."


From there I explain that my brother-in-law had found a VHS tape recorded only months before my first husband died. Without warning, he turned it into a DVD and gave Sam several copies while Don and I were away, celebrating our fifth anniversary.

Shortly after we arrived home, we slid it into my lap top. Together we watched as the younger, stronger me spoke with strength, assured that God's love was enough to make it through.

But years later, life had worn me down. The illness. Blended family strife. Financial strain. And lost community. The heavy load stifled the real me until Sam's question woke me up and propelled me on a journey to wholeness. 

As I grew stronger, writing my book cemented the change. I poured out my fears, hurts, and feelings of loss through redemptive stories.

Essentially, I wrote my way back to life.

The present tense chapters deal with the last five years of my life. The past tense chapters tell the Jason story, from the moment he saw me in a church and pictured marrying me, to the day he drew his last breath.

There's more to tell, but I'll save that for next week. For now, mark your calendars because my pastor, Craig Bowler, and Bible study leader, Sherrie Escoe, are co-hosting a book signing at:


April 22, 2016
7 - 9:30 pm
3960 Mary Eliza Trace
Marietta, GA 30064

And you're invited!

If you're wrestling with loss, facing your own physical decline, or just wondering how to hold to the reality of God's love in the good and bad, I hope you'll purchase a book and consider writing a review.

Copies are available through me or you can order one here:





2

The Great Undoing and a Few Blind Mice

No matter how much coffee I indulged in the week after surgery, I couldn't sit upright for long. Days drifted by while I lay in a drug induced state of slumber. Thankfully, the combined effects of anesthesia and narcotics have finally begun to wane, and I'm feeling more like myself.

Phase one post surgery - complete.

I stayed at my parent's home a few extra days after a particular phone call. Before we said goodnight, Don told me that Eggs, our cat, was sitting at the top of our basement stairs, waiting for me to come home. While I didn't buy into the notion that the feline was pining for me, I tuned in when he added, "Wait a minute. She's chasing a mouse."

"A mouse?" I retorted.

"Yes, a mouse."

As I sat in horror, he described her movements as she toyed with said mouse. In time Don decided the rodent was dead enough to throw outside. Actually, he first suggested that he was going to hit the creature with a shoe and then throw it outside.

Still in a drug-induced state, I begged him not too, imagining mouse innards spread all over my living room carpet. My farm boy husband assured me that he'd never seen a mouse explode when stepped on, but his reassurance meant little.



So when I shared hat he found another chewed up mouse a few days later - in the same living room - I threatened to not come home until he figured out where they were coming from... or until our refrigerator was fixed.

Yes, our grandiose ice box hasn't worked since Feb. 19th.



It's a long story and we are currently using a college-sized refrigerator one of my boys left in our basement. But too many mice and no ice made the comfort of my parent's house quite appealing.


In time, I eventually caved and came home. I may visit them again soon, but for now, I'm adjusting to self-care on a knee scooter.

The good news?

I received an email a few hours ago that indicated the first copies of my book have shipped. A soft copy and a hard copy will arrive Wednesday and once I approve the printing, a large shipment will soon be on its way. Would you believe I just downloaded this photo from amazon?


Don asked me if I'm excited and I think I'm more nervous than excited. I was quite transparent as I wrote and can only hope the message speaks.

Time will tell.

As I warmed dinner this evening, Eggs carried in a squirmy-worm-looking-creature, which has me wondering if she carried the mice in too when Don wasn't looking. Sometimes he keeps a small window open so she can come and go at will. I sure hope that's the case.

And I also hope God speaks to you, my faithful readers, through my book, "The Great Undoing and My Journey Home."

You can purchase it here on amazon, or wait and get a copy from me in a few weeks.

I'll share more about the story next week. For now, I'm going to keep healing and dream a little about what's to come.



photo credit: This makes me all gooey via photopin (license)
photo credit: Wood mouse via photopin (license)
photo credit: Leftovers via photopin (license)
2
Back to Top