Fighting Back

Forced to endure instant, stir-in coffee this morning, I filled my cup with extra maple syrup. Armed with a caffeinated liquid akin to sweetened charcoal, I curled up in my brown leather chair and called a writer friend.

“You’ve accomplished a lot,” she insisted when I expressed recent concern.

“Will you say that again?” I asked. “It helps hearing it from you.”

Obliging my need, she cheered me on over the airwaves. Revved up by her words—and the Cup-of-Joe—I opened my laptop and got to work.

Ever since I lost my footing last week, I’ve been fighting back. In little ways. Encouraging others. Making smoothies. Washing my upstairs linens. Attacking the mold in my shower with a toothbrush and bleach.

Creating order in chaos always help me.

Still, there was a moment this weekend when my angst grew to a full-blown panic attack. An altercation provoked tears that led to an inability to breathe. It still seems surreal. 

I want to believe there's a reason other than stress. But I'm not myself right now, even though Jesus. Is. Bigger!

Since this is not my norm, I debated sharing. However, it didn't seem right to leave out the pain if I really want to offer hope. 

Days later, I’m sitting on my back screened-in porch, listening to crickets (or frogs) while candles flicker in the dark. The soothing evening song settles my need for resolution.

Which is one of my biggest downfalls. 

When change hits, like it did last week, I immediately want to know what’s next. I want my empty white board filled. But after three days of worry, I finally remembered it's okay to just stare at the empty page and cook dinner, clean a toilet, or take the visiting pup on a walk.

There's no hurry. No rush. Just an un-frenzied walk with Jesus. 

Answers can wait and time tick by. Because resting in the silence is actually a form of fighting back. In overcoming my need to control, I settle into a place of trust that’s much more about Him than me. 

And in that place of quiet, my soul stretches wide again, allowing Jesus to grow bigger in my soul.

It takes practice, persistence, and determination to rest in Him. A constant fighting back against the rush of life. 

Cause life will surprise and bombard us. But, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30: 15 NIV).