For the last several mornings, I've set out to write before day's end. Coffee in hand, I felt confident words would flow. But it's day six and I sit here with itchy fingers, wondering where my thoughts will take me.
I have many.
In the mean time, I've vacuumed, scrubbed toilets, visited family, considered raw food consumption, taught a few lessons, and talked with an ENT who assured me my facial spasms have nothing to do with TMJ or non-existent sinus issues.
It was a good try, though.
While sifting through the mundane, I've also listened to several podcasts by Graham Cooke that have knit together theological differences that have previously bogged me down.
If you've read my book, The Great Undoing and My Journey Home, you're familiar with the faith walk my first husband and I journeyed together during his illness. Encouraged by many espoused faith-healers, their call to believe big and to expect more changed how we faced our crisis.
But Jason wasn't healed on earth. He was healed when he walked into eternity.
Thus I live with one foot forever ensconced in the faith-movement camp while the other remains cemented in the God-is-sovereign camp.
Seeking after God with focused passion allowed for a personal transformation that assured me of Christ's love in my darkest hour. And it blew me away. Nothing had prepared me to experience immense, divine love as my husband and dear friend neared heaven's door.
But when I went back to the faith-movement camp, the miracles I read and heard about stirred confusion in light of my loss. Even now, as I wake to new symptoms and physical issues, I struggle to juxtapose God's miraculous ways with my day to day existence.
At least, I was struggling until I listened more to Graham Cooke's teaching.
I don't have quotes and won't search for them now. I'll just try to sum up what I feel.
Living by faith isn't about seeing results. Rather, it's a call to a way of life. To a perspective that keeps us heaven focused while earth bound.
Consider these words, "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven" (Matthew 6: 9 NIV).
There are those who claim that verse indicates that what goes on in heaven should be happening on earth. That the manifestation of the full glory of God - as in provision and healing - should be ours here due to the new covenant in Christ.
But I know too many wonderful people who struggle and fight with faith in their hard circumstances to allow that interpretation to stand. However, I also believe we barely tap into the resources God intended us to use through the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
On the one hand, He loves us fully in our frail humanity. And our walk with him is not about works.
On the other, the more I gaze toward heaven and consider the brilliance of the redemption plan through the work of Christ, the more I recognize how much time I waste waded up with worry rather than strengthened in faith; in questioning rather than trusting, and bottled in fear rather than open to grace.
Seriously. The plan is brilliant.
And while miraculous things happen when we avail ourselves to the power that raised Christ from the dead, perhaps the biggest miracle is facing the uncertainty of our present day needs with the the ability to "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5: 18 NIV).
I can't help but wonder what would happen if I drank coffee every morning pondering heaven's purview. Or if I faced every rejection and set back with the confidence of Elisha:
"When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. 'Oh, my lord, what shall we do?' the servant asked.
'Don't be afraid,' the prophet answered. 'Those who are with us are more than those who are with them'" (2 Kings 6: 15-16 NIV).
Can I remain open to the miraculous, hopeful for healing, and yet confident to walk with joy today regardless of my circumstances?
It's a tight place. A very tight place. But one in which I hope my recent summer reboot will help me stay the course.
My friend, Gary Austin, sent me this link a few days ago. Pastor Jason David says it well...
All photos courtesy of pixabay.com
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