For Jill

 

During the past few weeks I've enjoyed and endured many kinds of coffee—all with plans to write. But then, my days have filled up, time has slipped by, and an overload of stuff—both meaningful and mundane—has quieted all plans of expression. 

So here I sit. Tasked with writing something worthy of your time and I don’t know where to start.

For one, I’m waiting for a surgeon to decide if she’ll fix the torn tendon in my hip. Now that the steroid shots have worn off, the hip pain has returned. When at its worse, I struggle to swing my right leg forward in a normal stride. So, when I met with the neurosurgeon last Wednesday, he called her and discussed my case. 

At the end of that call, he suggested I start with the tendon fix instead of the back fusion in hopes of postponing the latter. It made sense to me since I walked a lot after my last fusion and my stride is impacted by the hip pain. 

But when I called to schedule with the hip surgeon, I heard back from her PA who informed me the surgeon is considering options—not convinced the surgery will help.

Reading that in black and white makes the ambiguity weigh heavy. Will she? Won’t she? After waiting weeks and months for appointments and decisions, being left in no-man’s land tires me out.

However, the night before I saw the neurosurgeon, I shared a meal with a former voice student of mine. Over ten years ago, around the time my legs grew unsteady, Jill suffered her first seizure on a youth group mission trip in South America. Since then, she’s had many more, but pushed through and finished her master's degree in social work last May. 

Still, she struggles. So, as we ate, she asked, “How do you do it? How do you keep going?”

In truth, that answer changes. But for today I’ll share what refocused my frenzied mind last week after a bout of severe pain:

1) Crime TV: Just yesterday I confessed to Don that I agreed to pay $5 a month for full access to Georgia Public Broadcasting, which includes a lot of very cool British crime TV. The escape keeps half my brain enthralled while the other completes my chores.

2) The To Do List: I recently read about how the Queen of England structures her day. Between her need for timely order and another article about the importance of writing down goals, I’ve taken to focusing on small, important tasks I tend to ignore… like making smoothies, soaking in Epsom salt baths, stretching, icing my back before bed, drinking more water, using a tens unit, reading scripture, and remembering that our Very Big God controls it all. 

3) The Yes vs. No: The same day I read the article about the Queen, I watched part of a video where a middle-aged father spoke about the effect of repeatedly hearing the word, “No.” He claimed babies operate at a genius level until about the age of four when the word, “No,” has piled up too many times. 

While I don’t know if his assessment is true—and I believe in telling a child "No"—part of the message rang true. A continued focus on limits makes it easy to shrink in, shrivel up, and hide away from the world. So, after acknowledging the impact of a series of let downs, I determined to hear and press into the, “Yes.”

As a result, I will post my first YouTube channel video by next Monday. I will. I will. I will.

Starting something new feels like a super, gigantic 'YES' in my weakened state. But this one's For Jill and I'm determined to step out. It's what keeps us all going... one more step. 

No matter the pain. No matter the unknown. And sometimes just For Jill.

PS: If you missed church because you had to travel out of town for a funeral this weekend like I did, I recommend the following...


07.22.18 | Craig Bowler | Breakfast On The Beach | John 21:1-14 from Sanctuary on Vimeo.

All photos courtesy of pixababy.com