Background worship music muffled his chewing which gave me time to sort through what had me bound. Once dressed with brushed teeth, I finally figured it out, voiced it to him, and began the day in earnest.
After a few lessons, some writing, and a trip to Sam's Wholesale Club, I'm nestled on our screened in porch, listening as nature serenades the setting sun. I could almost just close my eyes, stop typing, and melt into the sounds of spring. But if I don't post something in four hours, I'll have only blogged once this month and I can't let that happen.
Besides, we saw God's Not Dead Friday night. And while I highly recommend the movie, as we drove home, I battled that dreaded feeling that I'm behind, unable, messing up my own dreams, etc.. Viewing others creativity reminded me of how lacking my own is.
No matter how well I rationalize my life, I cycle through that pit every now and then and fight for perspective.
Who cares that I've seen a knee doc, the podiatrist who did my ankle surgeries, and another orthopedic specialist all in the same month only to learn that my right hip joint is loose. Who cares that perimenopausal issues have drained low energy reserves and left me napping more than usual. Who cares that I'm teaching more than I have in months and feel drained after hours with students.
When I look at it in black and white, I understand why writing and creating often take a back seat to surviving.
But I also realized there's a lingering fear of failure. Boxes of my CD's fill a corner of our basement and while we've sold quite a few, the thought of writing a book or finishing my musical and having more creative output sit around makes it easy to click on NCIS and Castle reruns instead of crafting my own words.
But I can't cave to fear. I can't let unknown results stop forward momentum. And that's what I figured out this morning. So I'll finish that musical and go from there. Just like I'll keep taking one step at a time, with my knee brace on to stabilize my hip, not knowing which one may push the limit. Safe on my porch where the birds sing and the breezes blow, I'll write till there's nothing more to say.
And that will take a while.
I spent a few days revamping my website this month. It now combines information on mitochondrial disease, links to my music, and stories never published. So I'll close with the link:
Smiling because of this! :)
ReplyDelete