Now Departing the Roller Coaster Holiday Train

I downed the last sip in my coffee cup this morning, glanced at the pile of stuff next to Don's dresser, and realized the hip brace I've been missing was right where I put it three weeks ago - in a plastic grocery bag  next the other leg braces I keep on hand.

When I pulled the brace from the bag, I knew I'd departed the roller coaster holiday train for good.

Just last night, I shed tears over the ups and downs of the season. The ups have been numerous. Overwhelmingly good. But they've all been followed by a physical let down.

It's the way of chronic disease. And in my case, chronic mitochondrial disease.

We spent New Year's Eve with friends in their grandmother's cabin in Blue Ridge, having reserved a room in a motel near by. When we made the plans, I didn't think to ask where the potty was in the cabin, or to make sure the hotel had an elevator if we were on the second floor.

Having downed a big smoothie, a Starbuck's coffee, and a large lemon power aid drink at Wendy's on our drive north, I arrived at the cabin in need of the potty. Several times. And the steep climb up the stairs wore out my legs. They grew stiff and awkward in time.

We laughed a lot. I sang more Broadway tunes in one evening than I have in years. And the Wright's grandma taught us a new card game that she's played since she was ten.

Ringing in the new year with friend's who are missing their mom, wife, and daughter proved very rich indeed. But when I climbed the tall concrete and steel staircase to our motel room one last time, pain shot through my ankle, the likes of which makes me wonder if more surgery remains inevitable.

After breakfast the next morning followed by a two hour drive home, I dove into bed for a nap and never quite brushed off  the residual sluggish feeling. And that's when the tears fell. That's when I explained to Don that for every high I've experienced, I've had to succumb to an inevitable low. A tired exhaustion that requires rest and recovery - and a mental fight against the blues.

Just last weekend, after the big Christmas week push, I spent almost twenty four hours in bed. I would wake, eat a meal, and lay right back down because sitting up took too much effort.

I'm doing much better. My power juice is still making a difference. But as I peruse Facebook and see others on family trips and outings, I mourn my limits.

There. I said it. In the midst of grand celebration, I've mourned my limits.

Life will calm down this week. I'll get back to my manageable routine. And might even find that my power juice combined with appropriate physical exertion will leave me a tad stronger. There's always hope. 

But for those who rode the highs and lows of the roller coaster holiday train with me; for those who fought nagging grief in the midst of celebration... take heart, you're not alone. No matter what FB status' indicate, it's the way of this world.

The struggle is real. The internal fight quite constant. So don't give up. Just step off the holiday roller coaster ride with me and enjoy the simplicity of day to day living - even if in the confines of limitations.

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." (Ps. 16: 5 - 6)

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