The nightly news played as we ate and chatted around Bonnie's decline. Since ALS continues to take her life one breath at a time, the slow process leaves her aimless, teary, and longing to live. A group of us take turns wiping her tears and speaking hope, but as her breathing slows, the days grow long and hard.
It doesn't make sense.
It doesn't seem fair.
After I fed her a Chick-fil-a sandwich, my dad's name popped up on my cell phone. Expecting a simple check-in-post-vacation call, his tone surprised me. The news he then shared, rocked my world.
"Have you watched Fox news this week?" he started.
"Some," I stammered. "Why do you ask?"
"Have you read about the house that exploded in Ohio?"
"No," I replied, but then had a flash back. "Wait. Are you talking about the fire they think was started by arson? I just heard a short blip about it on the national news while sitting with Bonnie and Lu tonight."
"Yes. That's the one."
And then came the punch-line.
"Your cousin and family were some of their closet friends."
From there Dad explained what he knew about the tragedy while I tried to wrap my brain around what my relative was going through.
If you haven't seen the news, Jeff Mather, a father of two, blew up his home around 8:30 pm Monday night.
Only hours before, he drove my cousin's daughter home from school.
Friends knew he tried to commit suicide in December and continued to battle depression. So they'd been watching for signs of trouble. But they never expected that trouble to explode into a fiery ball that shook a neighborhood Monday night.
Huddled a few blocks from the fire, family and friends waited for news - my cousin and her spouse included. By one in the morning, three bodies had been found and with both cars in the driveway, most assumed the fourth was buried in the debris.
Truth: I spent all day yesterday trying to finish this post. And couldn't. After talking to my cousin for almost an hour, the saga weighed so heavy on my heart I turned to crime TV.
As Dinozzo, Kate, and Gibbs solved a murder, I cleaned my kitchen, did some laundry, and hoped to reset my brain.
It didn't work.
But I received a FB message at 6am this morning from a friend who listened to me weep Wednesday evening, only a few hours before I got the news.
A relational issue had unraveled me, making my pigeon-toed feet and double vision eyes a little more than I could handle. As I left the church after picking up dinner for Bonnie and Lu, Jessica looked me square on and said, "Do you need some help?"
There on the sidewalk, outside in the cold, I blabbered on - in tears - for twenty minutes or so.
When things got better a few days later, I sent her FB message, thanking her for listening and helping me process the pain. She responded in the wee hours this morning and I'm so glad she did.
She reminded me of a favorite verse that sums it all up. So bear with me cause the quote is long. But read every word. Out loud if you dare. It's worth it.
"I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of the Lord’s wrath.
He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.
As Dinozzo, Kate, and Gibbs solved a murder, I cleaned my kitchen, did some laundry, and hoped to reset my brain.
It didn't work.
But I received a FB message at 6am this morning from a friend who listened to me weep Wednesday evening, only a few hours before I got the news.
A relational issue had unraveled me, making my pigeon-toed feet and double vision eyes a little more than I could handle. As I left the church after picking up dinner for Bonnie and Lu, Jessica looked me square on and said, "Do you need some help?"
There on the sidewalk, outside in the cold, I blabbered on - in tears - for twenty minutes or so.
When things got better a few days later, I sent her FB message, thanking her for listening and helping me process the pain. She responded in the wee hours this morning and I'm so glad she did.
She reminded me of a favorite verse that sums it all up. So bear with me cause the quote is long. But read every word. Out loud if you dare. It's worth it.
"I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of the Lord’s wrath.
He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.
He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.
He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
and has broken my bones.
He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
he has weighed me down with chains.
Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,
he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.
like a lion in hiding,
he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.
He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.
I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
He has filled me with bitter herbs
and given me gall to drink.
with arrows from his quiver.
I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
He has filled me with bitter herbs
and given me gall to drink.
He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.
I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is
he has trampled me in the dust.
I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is
So I say, 'My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.'
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.'
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him'
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him'
(Lamentations 3: 1 - 24 NIV).
After I hung up with dad and shared the story with Bonnie and Lu, overwhelming emotion welled up inside. I reached for my friend's grossly swollen hand and said, "Thank you, Bonnie, for dying with grace and dignity."
As horrified as I was by the brokenness in Ohio, I was utterly thankful that my friend was fighting to live till her very last breath.
Do you get it?? Our life is like a journey to the top of the world. Every day. Every moment. Every hour of despair.
There's a view coming that will take our breath away if we just don't quit. If we just don't give up.
Even if others fall away. Even if they claim, "It's not worth it. There's nothing up there to see."
Don't stop the climb. No. Matter. What.
Whether you're dirty, sweaty, cold, freezing, hungry, tired, or inspired, keep going. You honor the King of Kings when you simply believe, trudging on, day in and day out.
My cousin's husband said, "Uncle Jeff ran the race well. But he finished very poorly."
While I don't judge the man because I have no idea what was going on his heart and mind, I'm overwhelmed by the desire to keep step. To make my small difference. To finish well.
What about you? Does tragedy make you cynical, or drive you to believe?
Oh friend, please don't give up.
One of my earliest memories in church is listening to my mom sing the descant to this favorite hymn. In time, singing the same became a favorite moment of worship for me. So we sang the hymn at my first wedding and my first husband's funeral. And then I walked down the aisle to the same when Don and I married.
So as our worship team began this song today, I gladly joined in.
While some get their fix in the gym, I get mine from blasting a good old-fashioned hymn, especially when it has a beautiful descant.
I searched YouTube to find a similar arrangement. It's a little different but satisfies my itch.
Enjoy.
He is holy. He is God. He is worth climbing for, rejoicing in, and crying out to when life overwhelms.
So focus on your climb and stay the course. And maybe even blabber on with a friend outside in the cold when you need a little boost.
It's gonna be worth it in the end.
After I hung up with dad and shared the story with Bonnie and Lu, overwhelming emotion welled up inside. I reached for my friend's grossly swollen hand and said, "Thank you, Bonnie, for dying with grace and dignity."
As horrified as I was by the brokenness in Ohio, I was utterly thankful that my friend was fighting to live till her very last breath.
Do you get it?? Our life is like a journey to the top of the world. Every day. Every moment. Every hour of despair.
There's a view coming that will take our breath away if we just don't quit. If we just don't give up.
Even if others fall away. Even if they claim, "It's not worth it. There's nothing up there to see."
Don't stop the climb. No. Matter. What.
Whether you're dirty, sweaty, cold, freezing, hungry, tired, or inspired, keep going. You honor the King of Kings when you simply believe, trudging on, day in and day out.
My cousin's husband said, "Uncle Jeff ran the race well. But he finished very poorly."
While I don't judge the man because I have no idea what was going on his heart and mind, I'm overwhelmed by the desire to keep step. To make my small difference. To finish well.
What about you? Does tragedy make you cynical, or drive you to believe?
Oh friend, please don't give up.
One of my earliest memories in church is listening to my mom sing the descant to this favorite hymn. In time, singing the same became a favorite moment of worship for me. So we sang the hymn at my first wedding and my first husband's funeral. And then I walked down the aisle to the same when Don and I married.
So as our worship team began this song today, I gladly joined in.
While some get their fix in the gym, I get mine from blasting a good old-fashioned hymn, especially when it has a beautiful descant.
I searched YouTube to find a similar arrangement. It's a little different but satisfies my itch.
Enjoy.
He is holy. He is God. He is worth climbing for, rejoicing in, and crying out to when life overwhelms.
So focus on your climb and stay the course. And maybe even blabber on with a friend outside in the cold when you need a little boost.
It's gonna be worth it in the end.
photo credit: The journey is the goal via photopin (license)
photo credit: Fritillaria bw via photopin (license)
photo credit: Homecoming at Haleakala via photopin (license)
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